Binge Bones

  Teen Wolf Too (1987) RELEASED November 20, 1987 RUNTIME 95 mins DIRECTOR Christopher Leitch  WRITERS Jeph Loeb (characters), Matthew Weisman (characters), Tim Kring (screenplay)  STARS Jason Bateman, Kim Darby, John Astin COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIO Atlantic Entertainment Group  GENRES Comedy, Fantasy, Family Streaming on: Hoopla The plot: Jason Bateman plays Todd, cousin of Michael J. Fox's character from the first film. First world problems plague Todd at his new college, but then things get wolfy, and his popularity starts to rise. BUT AT WHAT COST? Random observations: Voted #85 of IMDb's Bottom Rated Movies Jason Bateman's film debut and he's lucky it wasn't his finale. Michael J. Fox turned down the chance to reprise his role mostly because he didn't want to go through the hours of makeup application Well, those were more like random facts today as opposed to random observations, but whatever. Jason Bateman is super charming, but ...

Monster Dog (1984) RELEASED December 1, 1984 VHS June 15, 1986 RUNTIME 84 mins DIRECTOR Claudio Fragasso  WRITERS Rossella Drudi (screenplay), Claudio Fragasso (screenplay)  STARS Alice Cooper, Victoria Vera, Carlos Santurio  COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE Spanish; Castilian STUDIOS Continental Motion Pictures, M&C Films, Royal Films  GENRES Horror Streaming on: TubiTV The plot: A dubbed Alice Cooper plays a rockstar named Victor Raven who angers locals when his presence seems to be responsible for the return of a scary pupper who killed his parents.  Random observations: Alice Cooper kind of has a weird mullet in this, which often undermines his acting -- which despite being dubbed by another actor, is still quite impressive. Half of this movie has the blue glow of the Total Eclipse of the Heart video and therefore gives me a sense memory of comfort. Alice Cooper's eyeshadow likes to change color and intensity within scenes. It's pretty magnificent. I kind ...

  The Werewolf (1956) RELEASED July 1, 1956 RUNTIME 79 mins  DIRECTOR Fred F. Sears  WRITERS Robert E. Kent (screenplay), James B. Gordon (story)  STARS Don Megowan, Joyce Holden, Eleanore Tanin COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIO Clover Productions  GENRES Science Fiction, Horror Streaming on: Crackle The plot: A stranger arrives in town at the onset of a bunch of murders. The town doctor and his daughter try to figure shit out.  Random observations: At the beginning of this film, the narrator states that lycanthropy is both the ability to turn into a werewolf AND the ability to turn OTHERS into werewolves? Whaaaaaaaaaat? Maybe they mean during an attack, but they made it sound like they could just walk up to anyone and be like "What's up? You're a werewolf now."  Jesus, Crackle has a shit ton of commercials. This werewolf rolls around on the ground a lot.  This movie is only 79 minutes long, but because of all of the commerc...

  Swamp Shark (2011) RELEASED June 25, 2011 RUNTIME 85 mins  DIRECTOR Griff Furst  WRITERS Eric Miller (screenplay), Charles Bolon, Jennifer Iwen (screenplay)  STARS Christopher Berry, Wade Boggs, Marcus Lyle Brown COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIO Bullet Films GENRES Horror, Thriller Streaming on: TubiTV T he plot: An animal smuggling deal goes wrong resulting in a huge shark accidentally being let loose in a swamp. Random observations: Movie: "You're gonna need a bigger Band-Aid". Me: Hahahahahahahahahaha *laughcries* Why is this movie so green? Sharkapitation! Swamp Shark provides us with mindless b.s. human relationships as we wait for them all to meet unseemly demises. Peppered with obnoxious swamp rock, we are thrust directly into the world of animal smuggling as represented by the rejected auditioners of Real World: Nameless Bayou Town. 0.1/1 Directing 0.3/1 Cinematography 0.2/1 Visual design 0.3/1 Editing 0.1/1 Plot  0/1 Dialogue 0.3/1 ...

  SharkMan (2005) RELEASED June 18, 2005 RUNTIME 92 mins  DIRECTOR Michael Oblowitz  WRITER Monty Featherstone (screenplay)  STARS William Forsythe, Hunter Tylo, Jeffrey Combs COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIOS Nu Image, Active Entertainment, Equity Pictures Medienfonds GmbH & Co. KG II, Harbor Productions  GENRES Action, Horror, Science Fiction Streaming on: TubiTV The plot: Oh God, there are two of these. There's a 2001 TV Movie called Sharkman, which has the same characters and even William Forsythe, but it is a different Sharkman. This is 2005's SharkMan and has Jeffrey Combs. However, the artwork on TubiTV is actually from the 2001 film even though it's the Jeffrey Combs version that plays. Be aware if you are compiling your Sharkman viewing schedule. Anyway, Jeffrey Combs fuses human and shark DNA together and wackiness ensues.  Random observations: I never tire of Jeffrey Combs as a mad scientist. They sure do a lot of unne...

Shark in Venice (2008) RELEASED October 6, 2008 RUNTIME 88 mins  DIRECTOR Danny Lerner  WRITERS Les Weldon (story), Danny Lerner  STARS Stephen Baldwin, Vanessa Johansson, Hilda van der Meulen LANGUAGE English GENRES Horror Streaming on: TubiTV, Popcornflix, imdbTV, YouTube, Sling TV, Amazon Prime The plot: Stephen Baldwin, a professor I guess, is like going all Tom Hanks-y Da Vinci Code style looking for a long-lost Medici treasure in Venice. Except: the mafia! sharks! Also, Scarlett Johansson's sister is the kidnapped girlfriend. Random observations: If I had a time machine, the first thing I would do is go back in time to visit Thomas Edison and show him this movie. The rest will surely work itself out. Stephen Baldwin is like a creepy dude on OKCupid who is like "some of the ladies tell me I look like Alec Baldwin" and you puke a little inside and you're like "Not really tho." Oh hey! We're regurgitating the same shots over and over again. Nobody wil...

  Shark Hunter (2001) Released October 1, 2001 RUNTIME 94 mins  Director: Matt Codd Writers: Phillip J. Roth (story), Sam Wells (screenplay) Stars: Antonio Sabato Jr., Christian Toulali, Grand L. Bush  COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  GENRES Action, Adventure, Horror, Science Fiction, Thriller Streaming on: TubiTV, Amazon Prime, imdbTV The plot: Melrose Place's Antonio Sabato Jr. takes an experimental sub to fight an oops-actually-not-extinct Megalodon that killed his parents. Random observations:  Director Matt Codd actually has some pretty strong Art Department credits, and I think that's probably where he is best suited. All of the actors seem to be performing in a different movie.  Putting glasses on an actor does not make their character suddenly seem smarter. "I have a feeling we've bitten off more than we can chew." Yes, yes you have. There's a lot more arguing about Megaladons than actual Megaladon, and it's slow, patient arguing at that...

  Shark Night 3D (2011) RELEASED September 2, 2011 RUNTIME 91 mins DIRECTOR David R. Ellis  WRITERS Will Hayes (screenplay), Jesse Studenberg (screenplay)  STARS Sara Paxton, Dustin Milligan, Chris Carmack COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIO Incentive Filmed Entertainment  GENRES Horror, Thriller Streaming on: Netflix The plot: Freshwater sharks terrorize a group of vacationing assholes. Random observations: Oh my God, do NOT swim right after you get a tattoo. This film was nominated for a Fangoria Chainsaw Award in 2012 for "Worst Film" (it tied for second place with 2011's Fright Night). If you can make it through until the end of the credits you can watch the cast in the music video for "Sharks Bite". In one way, there are no bad shark movies. The fact that a camera person would work in water all day for weeks on end is impressive to me. One time I was in a short film and it rained for like 2 hours and I wanted to die. I can't even imagine just...

 Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (2010) RELEASED December 21, 2010 RUNTIME 90 mins DIRECTOR Christopher Ray WRITER Micho Rutare  STARS Gary Stretch, Jaleel White, Sarah Lieving  COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English STUDIO The Asylum  GENRES Action, Horror, Science Fiction Streaming on: TubiTV, Vudu, PlutoTV, Hoopla The plot: Crocosaurus (who is a warm-water beast) and Megashark (a cold-water beast) destroy a ton of government property and our only hope is Urkel.  Random observations: Looks like someone was nice enough to donate their laser tag room prior to business hours so these filmmakers could have a set. Watch for extras literally wiggling their fingers over keyboards in an effort to convey typing. Why would you shoot at the FIN? Like most Asylum Films, I couldn't tell you if this is my first watch or my tenth watch because they tend to blend together in tone and theme. There's nothing new here and the CGI often looks like the effects department didn't get the...

  Sci-fi September #something old Phase IV (1974) PG; 1 hour, 24 minutes Director: Saul Bass Writer: Mayo Simona Stars: Nigel Davenport, Michael Murphy, Lynne Frederick Streaming on: Amazon, Epix, Hulu Keywords: ant attack, psychotronic film, biodome The Plot: Time0lapse ants stalk two scientists in the Arizona desert.  Random Observations Totally thought the narrator was Kelsey Grammer at first, but it isn't obviously, I was just dumb for like 40 seconds.  The director is Saul Bass. Yeah, THAT Saul Bass, who does the super bitchin' title animations for films such as North by Northwest, Psycho, and The Man with the Golden Arm. It looks like this was his only feature film.  My "something old" today is a first watch for me (Although, I did watch it on Mystery Science Theater 3000 -- KTMA Season 0 Episode 9 about a decade ago) . The 1970's has some of my favorite science fiction. Even though there are some smooshy plot lines and a bit of unnatural dialogue in plac...