Binge Bones

  Dr. Terror's House of Horrors (1965) RELEASED February 28, 1965 RUNTIME 98 mins DIRECTOR Freddie Francis  WRITER Milton Subotsky (screenplay)  STARS Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Neil McCallum COUNTRY United Kingdom LANGUAGE English  STUDIOS Paramount, Amicus Productions GENRES Horror Streaming on: TubiTV, Popcornflix The plot: A group of five strangers gets their tarot cards read, resulting in a 5-part anthology. Random observations: This film marks the theatrical movie debut of Roy Castle (Biff Bailey). First in a row of anthologies to be put out by Amicus. Donald Sutherland is a BABY!!!!!! The atmosphere of Amicus films is always charming to me. I love the color palettes and the quaint coziness of UK horror.  With a total running time of 98 minutes, it's hard to get any depth in any of the five mini-stories. It's probably something that could have been adjusted rather easily, but oh well. I'm not quite sure why the title says "House" of Horrors, when...

  Teen Wolf Too (1987) RELEASED November 20, 1987 RUNTIME 95 mins DIRECTOR Christopher Leitch  WRITERS Jeph Loeb (characters), Matthew Weisman (characters), Tim Kring (screenplay)  STARS Jason Bateman, Kim Darby, John Astin COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIO Atlantic Entertainment Group  GENRES Comedy, Fantasy, Family Streaming on: Hoopla The plot: Jason Bateman plays Todd, cousin of Michael J. Fox's character from the first film. First world problems plague Todd at his new college, but then things get wolfy, and his popularity starts to rise. BUT AT WHAT COST? Random observations: Voted #85 of IMDb's Bottom Rated Movies Jason Bateman's film debut and he's lucky it wasn't his finale. Michael J. Fox turned down the chance to reprise his role mostly because he didn't want to go through the hours of makeup application Well, those were more like random facts today as opposed to random observations, but whatever. Jason Bateman is super charming, but ...

Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning (2004) RELEASED July 10, 2004 RUNTIME 94 mins  DIRECTOR Grant Harvey  WRITERS Stephen Massicotte (screenplay), Christina Ray (screenplay)  STARS Katharine Isabelle, Emily Perkins, Nathaniel Arcand COUNTRY Canada LANGUAGE English  STUDIOS 49 Film, Lions Gate Films  GENRES Drama, Horror Streaming on: TubiTV, Tribeca Shortlist, Amazon Prime The plot: Ginger and Brigette are back in what feels like either REALLY GOOD fan fiction or REALLY BAD prequel-ing. Set in 19th Century Canada for no particular reason, sisters again are doin' it for themselves after Ginger gets bitten by a werewolf (AGAIN!). Random observations: This was shot back-to-back with Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed (2004) and it feels like Gs2 got slightly more attention. I wish Emily Perkins and Katherine Isabelle would do a Ginger Snaps TV series. It's time! The sound levels are super weird.  Disjointed in plot and dialogue, Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning is a ...

Deadtime Stories (1986) RELEASED November 28, 1986 RUNTIME 93 mins DIRECTOR Jeffrey Delman  WRITERS Jeffrey Delman, J. Edward Kiernan, Charles F. Shelton  STARS Scott Valentine, Nicole Picard, Matt Mitler COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIOS Overseas FilmGroup, Scary Stuff  GENRES Horror, Comedy Streaming on: TubiTV, Hoopla, Shout TV, FlixFling, Amazon The plot: An uncle who has no business being around children at all is left to babysit his nephew. He regales him with 3 different bedtime fairy tales most likely scarring the poor kid for life. I hope he didn't get paid.  Random observations:  Deadtime Stories still has a Facebook page, although they haven't posted since 2019 when a special edition vinyl of the soundtrack was released.  All the special effects in this movie were done in-camera. This film is like what happens if you order The Princess Bride on Wish. A half-assed anthology using bastardized fairy tales. The soundtrack is t...

Monster Dog (1984) RELEASED December 1, 1984 VHS June 15, 1986 RUNTIME 84 mins DIRECTOR Claudio Fragasso  WRITERS Rossella Drudi (screenplay), Claudio Fragasso (screenplay)  STARS Alice Cooper, Victoria Vera, Carlos Santurio  COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE Spanish; Castilian STUDIOS Continental Motion Pictures, M&C Films, Royal Films  GENRES Horror Streaming on: TubiTV The plot: A dubbed Alice Cooper plays a rockstar named Victor Raven who angers locals when his presence seems to be responsible for the return of a scary pupper who killed his parents.  Random observations: Alice Cooper kind of has a weird mullet in this, which often undermines his acting -- which despite being dubbed by another actor, is still quite impressive. Half of this movie has the blue glow of the Total Eclipse of the Heart video and therefore gives me a sense memory of comfort. Alice Cooper's eyeshadow likes to change color and intensity within scenes. It's pretty magnificent. I kind ...

  The Werewolf (1956) RELEASED July 1, 1956 RUNTIME 79 mins  DIRECTOR Fred F. Sears  WRITERS Robert E. Kent (screenplay), James B. Gordon (story)  STARS Don Megowan, Joyce Holden, Eleanore Tanin COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIO Clover Productions  GENRES Science Fiction, Horror Streaming on: Crackle The plot: A stranger arrives in town at the onset of a bunch of murders. The town doctor and his daughter try to figure shit out.  Random observations: At the beginning of this film, the narrator states that lycanthropy is both the ability to turn into a werewolf AND the ability to turn OTHERS into werewolves? Whaaaaaaaaaat? Maybe they mean during an attack, but they made it sound like they could just walk up to anyone and be like "What's up? You're a werewolf now."  Jesus, Crackle has a shit ton of commercials. This werewolf rolls around on the ground a lot.  This movie is only 79 minutes long, but because of all of the commerc...

Cry of the Werewolf (1944) RELEASED August 17, 1944 RUNTIME 63 mins  DIRECTOR Henry Levin  WRITERS Charles O'Neal (screenplay), Griffin Jay (screenplay)  STARS Nina Foch, Stephen Crane, Osa Massen COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIO Columbia Pictures GENRES Horror Streaming on: YouTube The plot: A young Romani woman turns into a wolf because that's the coolest fucking way to destroy your enemies. Random observations:  There aren't enough female werewolf movies Come on, Hollywood! (Or Pittsburgh!) The ones that we have are great, but they don't come out often enough. #gimmemoregingersnaps This film marks the first appearance of a female as a werewolf in a talkie! WTG, Nina Foch! (You might remember her from An American in Paris.) The setting is in New Orleans, Louisiana but is very recognizable as a Hollywood backlot.  Twice-married-to Lana Turner leading man Stephen Crane is really the only actual terrible thing about this movie. It often fe...

  The Mad Monster (1942) RELEASED May 15, 1942 RUNTIME 77 mins  DIRECTOR Sam Newfield  WRITER Fred Myton (screenplay)  STARS Johnny Downs, George Zucco, Anne Nagel  COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIO Sigmund Neufeld Productions GENRES Horror Streaming on: Amazon Prime, Epix, FlixFling, TubiTV, Sling TV, DIRECTV The plot: A simple-minded handyman (who can only be described as "the obvious inspiration for Torgo") gets turned into a revenge exacting werewolf by a mad scientist. Random observations: After watching 1921's Destiny directed by Fritz Lang this morning, it's quite noticeable that the film quality of this movie has degraded greatly since the '40s and could do with a facelift. However, part of the charm of the early 40's b-movies of this budget lies in the imperfections themselves.  If you watch this film on Amazon, please note that there are no closed captions available. The soundscape of this film is akin to an arctic wolf sanc...

  Welcome to Werewolf Week! Below is my watch schedule for 10/4-10/10. Feel free to watch along. Reviews will be hyperlinked throughout the week when possible. (I always watch all the films, but my chronic pain doesn't always let me have enough brainpower to write a mini-review.) At the bottom of the list is the upcoming genre schedule. If you have a film you'd like me to review (it MUST be available on at least one subscription streaming service), please leave a comment below! 4-Oct Blood (1973) TubiTV Face of the Screaming Werewolf (1964) Amazon Chabelo and Pepito vs. the Monsters (1973) TubiTV The Mad Monster (1942) Amazon Howling VI: The Freaks (1991) TubiTV 5-Oct The Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988) TubiTV Monster Dog (1984) TubiTV Scream of the Wolf (1974) Amazon The Beast of the Yellow Night (1971) Amazon 6-Oct Wolfman (1979) Amazon The Werewolf of Washington (1973) TubiTV Moon of the Wolf (1972) Amazon Dr. Terror's Gallery of Horro...

  Aatank (1996) RELEASED July 10, 1996 RUNTIME 113 mins  DIRECTOR Prem Lalwani  WRITER Sachin Bhowmick (story)  STARS Nafisa Ali, Dharmendra, Girish Karnad  COUNTRY India LANGUAGE Hindi STUDIO Bemisal Films Pvt. Ltd.  GENRES Horror, Thriller Streaming on: YouTube The plot: Childhood friends Jesu and Peter live in a coastal village in India where local gangsters ruin the damn ocean by fishing for black pearls. This angers a shark and he decides to partially eat a lot of people. Random observations: The opening credits will get you pumping and then suddenly you are not watching a shark movie for a good 30 minutes. If you decide to watch this on YouTube, keep in mind the English captions may be turned off. You can turn them back on in "settings". These are actually transcripted captions, instead of that weird beta auto caption YouTube likes to befuddle people with. I love how it feels like the cameraman is seeing everything for the first time. Hey, maybe he is...

  Shark Zone (2003) aka Jurassic Shark RELEASED October 14, 2003 RUNTIME 91 mins  DIRECTOR Danny Lerner  WRITERS Danny Lerner, Sam Parish  STARS Dean Cochran, Alan Austin, Brandi Sherwood COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIO Nu Image  GENRES Action, Adventure, Drama, Horror, Thriller Streaming on: Amazon Prime, Sling TV, imdbTV The plot: A man must protect his small coastal town from a large shark but without the benefit of Richard Dreyfuss or Robert Shaw. Random observations: This is the 3rd sequel to the film Shark Attack. I know they don't really growl, but I love it when sharks growl in shark movies. These sharks growl. Hey! Reused surfer attack footage from Shark Attack 2. And you thought we wouldn't notice, you crazy motherfuckers. Remember when those kids did a shot-for-shot remake of Indiana Jones in their back yard? This is sort of like that only with Jaws. But instead of having obsessive fans write the script, it feels like it was writte...

  Swamp Shark (2011) RELEASED June 25, 2011 RUNTIME 85 mins  DIRECTOR Griff Furst  WRITERS Eric Miller (screenplay), Charles Bolon, Jennifer Iwen (screenplay)  STARS Christopher Berry, Wade Boggs, Marcus Lyle Brown COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIO Bullet Films GENRES Horror, Thriller Streaming on: TubiTV T he plot: An animal smuggling deal goes wrong resulting in a huge shark accidentally being let loose in a swamp. Random observations: Movie: "You're gonna need a bigger Band-Aid". Me: Hahahahahahahahahaha *laughcries* Why is this movie so green? Sharkapitation! Swamp Shark provides us with mindless b.s. human relationships as we wait for them all to meet unseemly demises. Peppered with obnoxious swamp rock, we are thrust directly into the world of animal smuggling as represented by the rejected auditioners of Real World: Nameless Bayou Town. 0.1/1 Directing 0.3/1 Cinematography 0.2/1 Visual design 0.3/1 Editing 0.1/1 Plot  0/1 Dialogue 0.3/1 ...

  Blue Demon (2004) RELEASED October 15, 2004 RUNTIME 90 mins DIRECTOR Daniel Grodnik  WRITERS Brett Thompson, Lisa Morton STARS Dedee Pfeiffer, Randall Batinkoff, Danny Woodburn  LANGUAGE English  GENRES Action, Horror, Thriller Streaming on: TubiTV, Vudu, Amazon Prime The plot: Project Blue Demon is the name of a group of scientists' plans to train great white sharks to protect the coastline from intruders. Random observations: The score sounds like a Casio keyboard from 1984 was stuck on "demo mode" whilst a cat rolled around on it.  It's kind of refreshing after a day full of shark movies to see more than one shark at a time, even though the budget wasn't quite meant for it. There are a lot of unnecessary lighting choices in this film. Another overscored mess. So much of this movie takes place inside buildings with no water in sight. It's these scenes in particular which are most painful because this means the movie is either going to try to be 1) funny an...

  SharkMan (2005) RELEASED June 18, 2005 RUNTIME 92 mins  DIRECTOR Michael Oblowitz  WRITER Monty Featherstone (screenplay)  STARS William Forsythe, Hunter Tylo, Jeffrey Combs COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIOS Nu Image, Active Entertainment, Equity Pictures Medienfonds GmbH & Co. KG II, Harbor Productions  GENRES Action, Horror, Science Fiction Streaming on: TubiTV The plot: Oh God, there are two of these. There's a 2001 TV Movie called Sharkman, which has the same characters and even William Forsythe, but it is a different Sharkman. This is 2005's SharkMan and has Jeffrey Combs. However, the artwork on TubiTV is actually from the 2001 film even though it's the Jeffrey Combs version that plays. Be aware if you are compiling your Sharkman viewing schedule. Anyway, Jeffrey Combs fuses human and shark DNA together and wackiness ensues.  Random observations: I never tire of Jeffrey Combs as a mad scientist. They sure do a lot of unne...

Shark in Venice (2008) RELEASED October 6, 2008 RUNTIME 88 mins  DIRECTOR Danny Lerner  WRITERS Les Weldon (story), Danny Lerner  STARS Stephen Baldwin, Vanessa Johansson, Hilda van der Meulen LANGUAGE English GENRES Horror Streaming on: TubiTV, Popcornflix, imdbTV, YouTube, Sling TV, Amazon Prime The plot: Stephen Baldwin, a professor I guess, is like going all Tom Hanks-y Da Vinci Code style looking for a long-lost Medici treasure in Venice. Except: the mafia! sharks! Also, Scarlett Johansson's sister is the kidnapped girlfriend. Random observations: If I had a time machine, the first thing I would do is go back in time to visit Thomas Edison and show him this movie. The rest will surely work itself out. Stephen Baldwin is like a creepy dude on OKCupid who is like "some of the ladies tell me I look like Alec Baldwin" and you puke a little inside and you're like "Not really tho." Oh hey! We're regurgitating the same shots over and over again. Nobody wil...

  Shark Hunter (2001) Released October 1, 2001 RUNTIME 94 mins  Director: Matt Codd Writers: Phillip J. Roth (story), Sam Wells (screenplay) Stars: Antonio Sabato Jr., Christian Toulali, Grand L. Bush  COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  GENRES Action, Adventure, Horror, Science Fiction, Thriller Streaming on: TubiTV, Amazon Prime, imdbTV The plot: Melrose Place's Antonio Sabato Jr. takes an experimental sub to fight an oops-actually-not-extinct Megalodon that killed his parents. Random observations:  Director Matt Codd actually has some pretty strong Art Department credits, and I think that's probably where he is best suited. All of the actors seem to be performing in a different movie.  Putting glasses on an actor does not make their character suddenly seem smarter. "I have a feeling we've bitten off more than we can chew." Yes, yes you have. There's a lot more arguing about Megaladons than actual Megaladon, and it's slow, patient arguing at that...