Binge Bones

  Aatank (1996) RELEASED July 10, 1996 RUNTIME 113 mins  DIRECTOR Prem Lalwani  WRITER Sachin Bhowmick (story)  STARS Nafisa Ali, Dharmendra, Girish Karnad  COUNTRY India LANGUAGE Hindi STUDIO Bemisal Films Pvt. Ltd.  GENRES Horror, Thriller Streaming on: YouTube The plot: Childhood friends Jesu and Peter live in a coastal village in India where local gangsters ruin the damn ocean by fishing for black pearls. This angers a shark and he decides to partially eat a lot of people. Random observations: The opening credits will get you pumping and then suddenly you are not watching a shark movie for a good 30 minutes. If you decide to watch this on YouTube, keep in mind the English captions may be turned off. You can turn them back on in "settings". These are actually transcripted captions, instead of that weird beta auto caption YouTube likes to befuddle people with. I love how it feels like the cameraman is seeing everything for the first time. Hey, maybe he is. Have you ever tho

  Shark Zone (2003) aka Jurassic Shark RELEASED October 14, 2003 RUNTIME 91 mins  DIRECTOR Danny Lerner  WRITERS Danny Lerner, Sam Parish  STARS Dean Cochran, Alan Austin, Brandi Sherwood COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIO Nu Image  GENRES Action, Adventure, Drama, Horror, Thriller Streaming on: Amazon Prime, Sling TV, imdbTV The plot: A man must protect his small coastal town from a large shark but without the benefit of Richard Dreyfuss or Robert Shaw. Random observations: This is the 3rd sequel to the film Shark Attack. I know they don't really growl, but I love it when sharks growl in shark movies. These sharks growl. Hey! Reused surfer attack footage from Shark Attack 2. And you thought we wouldn't notice, you crazy motherfuckers. Remember when those kids did a shot-for-shot remake of Indiana Jones in their back yard? This is sort of like that only with Jaws. But instead of having obsessive fans write the script, it feels like it was written by someone whose co

  Swamp Shark (2011) RELEASED June 25, 2011 RUNTIME 85 mins  DIRECTOR Griff Furst  WRITERS Eric Miller (screenplay), Charles Bolon, Jennifer Iwen (screenplay)  STARS Christopher Berry, Wade Boggs, Marcus Lyle Brown COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIO Bullet Films GENRES Horror, Thriller Streaming on: TubiTV T he plot: An animal smuggling deal goes wrong resulting in a huge shark accidentally being let loose in a swamp. Random observations: Movie: "You're gonna need a bigger Band-Aid". Me: Hahahahahahahahahaha *laughcries* Why is this movie so green? Sharkapitation! Swamp Shark provides us with mindless b.s. human relationships as we wait for them all to meet unseemly demises. Peppered with obnoxious swamp rock, we are thrust directly into the world of animal smuggling as represented by the rejected auditioners of Real World: Nameless Bayou Town. 0.1/1 Directing 0.3/1 Cinematography 0.2/1 Visual design 0.3/1 Editing 0.1/1 Plot  0/1 Dialogue 0.3/1 Acting 0.4/1 So

  Blue Demon (2004) RELEASED October 15, 2004 RUNTIME 90 mins DIRECTOR Daniel Grodnik  WRITERS Brett Thompson, Lisa Morton STARS Dedee Pfeiffer, Randall Batinkoff, Danny Woodburn  LANGUAGE English  GENRES Action, Horror, Thriller Streaming on: TubiTV, Vudu, Amazon Prime The plot: Project Blue Demon is the name of a group of scientists' plans to train great white sharks to protect the coastline from intruders. Random observations: The score sounds like a Casio keyboard from 1984 was stuck on "demo mode" whilst a cat rolled around on it.  It's kind of refreshing after a day full of shark movies to see more than one shark at a time, even though the budget wasn't quite meant for it. There are a lot of unnecessary lighting choices in this film. Another overscored mess. So much of this movie takes place inside buildings with no water in sight. It's these scenes in particular which are most painful because this means the movie is either going to try to be 1) funny an

  SharkMan (2005) RELEASED June 18, 2005 RUNTIME 92 mins  DIRECTOR Michael Oblowitz  WRITER Monty Featherstone (screenplay)  STARS William Forsythe, Hunter Tylo, Jeffrey Combs COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIOS Nu Image, Active Entertainment, Equity Pictures Medienfonds GmbH & Co. KG II, Harbor Productions  GENRES Action, Horror, Science Fiction Streaming on: TubiTV The plot: Oh God, there are two of these. There's a 2001 TV Movie called Sharkman, which has the same characters and even William Forsythe, but it is a different Sharkman. This is 2005's SharkMan and has Jeffrey Combs. However, the artwork on TubiTV is actually from the 2001 film even though it's the Jeffrey Combs version that plays. Be aware if you are compiling your Sharkman viewing schedule. Anyway, Jeffrey Combs fuses human and shark DNA together and wackiness ensues.  Random observations: I never tire of Jeffrey Combs as a mad scientist. They sure do a lot of unnecessary swimming for people

Shark in Venice (2008) RELEASED October 6, 2008 RUNTIME 88 mins  DIRECTOR Danny Lerner  WRITERS Les Weldon (story), Danny Lerner  STARS Stephen Baldwin, Vanessa Johansson, Hilda van der Meulen LANGUAGE English GENRES Horror Streaming on: TubiTV, Popcornflix, imdbTV, YouTube, Sling TV, Amazon Prime The plot: Stephen Baldwin, a professor I guess, is like going all Tom Hanks-y Da Vinci Code style looking for a long-lost Medici treasure in Venice. Except: the mafia! sharks! Also, Scarlett Johansson's sister is the kidnapped girlfriend. Random observations: If I had a time machine, the first thing I would do is go back in time to visit Thomas Edison and show him this movie. The rest will surely work itself out. Stephen Baldwin is like a creepy dude on OKCupid who is like "some of the ladies tell me I look like Alec Baldwin" and you puke a little inside and you're like "Not really tho." Oh hey! We're regurgitating the same shots over and over again. Nobody wil

  Shark Hunter (2001) Released October 1, 2001 RUNTIME 94 mins  Director: Matt Codd Writers: Phillip J. Roth (story), Sam Wells (screenplay) Stars: Antonio Sabato Jr., Christian Toulali, Grand L. Bush  COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  GENRES Action, Adventure, Horror, Science Fiction, Thriller Streaming on: TubiTV, Amazon Prime, imdbTV The plot: Melrose Place's Antonio Sabato Jr. takes an experimental sub to fight an oops-actually-not-extinct Megalodon that killed his parents. Random observations:  Director Matt Codd actually has some pretty strong Art Department credits, and I think that's probably where he is best suited. All of the actors seem to be performing in a different movie.  Putting glasses on an actor does not make their character suddenly seem smarter. "I have a feeling we've bitten off more than we can chew." Yes, yes you have. There's a lot more arguing about Megaladons than actual Megaladon, and it's slow, patient arguing at that. No

  Shark Night 3D (2011) RELEASED September 2, 2011 RUNTIME 91 mins DIRECTOR David R. Ellis  WRITERS Will Hayes (screenplay), Jesse Studenberg (screenplay)  STARS Sara Paxton, Dustin Milligan, Chris Carmack COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIO Incentive Filmed Entertainment  GENRES Horror, Thriller Streaming on: Netflix The plot: Freshwater sharks terrorize a group of vacationing assholes. Random observations: Oh my God, do NOT swim right after you get a tattoo. This film was nominated for a Fangoria Chainsaw Award in 2012 for "Worst Film" (it tied for second place with 2011's Fright Night). If you can make it through until the end of the credits you can watch the cast in the music video for "Sharks Bite". In one way, there are no bad shark movies. The fact that a camera person would work in water all day for weeks on end is impressive to me. One time I was in a short film and it rained for like 2 hours and I wanted to die. I can't even imagine just

 Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus (2010) RELEASED December 21, 2010 RUNTIME 90 mins DIRECTOR Christopher Ray WRITER Micho Rutare  STARS Gary Stretch, Jaleel White, Sarah Lieving  COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English STUDIO The Asylum  GENRES Action, Horror, Science Fiction Streaming on: TubiTV, Vudu, PlutoTV, Hoopla The plot: Crocosaurus (who is a warm-water beast) and Megashark (a cold-water beast) destroy a ton of government property and our only hope is Urkel.  Random observations: Looks like someone was nice enough to donate their laser tag room prior to business hours so these filmmakers could have a set. Watch for extras literally wiggling their fingers over keyboards in an effort to convey typing. Why would you shoot at the FIN? Like most Asylum Films, I couldn't tell you if this is my first watch or my tenth watch because they tend to blend together in tone and theme. There's nothing new here and the CGI often looks like the effects department didn't get the budget to f

  9/27-10/3 Shark Films 10/4-10/10 Werewolf Films 10/11-10/17 Horror 10/18-10/24 Haunted House Films 10/25-10/31    Natural Horror

Sci-fi September #Something Borrowed (h/t Justin McClure on Facebook) Wizards (1977) RELEASED February 9, 1977 RUNTIME 80 mins DIRECTOR Ralph Bakshi WRITER Ralph Bakshi  Stars: Bob Holt, Jesse Welles, Richard Romanus COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIOS Bakshi Productions  GENRES Animation, Fantasy, Science Fiction Streaming on: YouTube The plot: After the evil mutant wizard Blackwolf's mother dies, he discovers some long-lost military technology and takes over her throne in an effort to be the world's biggest asshat. Luckily his good twin brother Avatar has decided to use his own magical powers for the good of all, even though it might mean using them against his own twin. Random observations: Hey! Mark Hamill!  It totally looks like Blackwolf's design was borrowed for Rasputin in the 1997 movie Anastasia.  I want a tarot deck based on this world. Is there one? I'm too lazy to Google. But if not, you should make one and then make millions of dollars and send

  Sci-fi September #Something Blue Captain America: Civil War (2016) 147 minutes The Blue Ribbons: Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films, USA 2017 * Saturn Award Winners: Best Performance by a Younger Actor Tom Holland Best Comic-to-Film Motion Picture Best Director Anthony Russo Joe Russo Best Actor Chris Evans Golden Schmoes Awards - 2016 * Winners Breakthrough Performance of the Year Tom Holland Best Action Sequence of the Year 'Airport Battle' IGN Summer Movie Awards 2016 * Winners IGN People's Choice Award Best Action Movie IGN Award Best Action Movie RELEASED May 6, 2016 DVD September 13, 2016 RUNTIME 147 mins  DIRECTORS Anthony Russo, Joe Russo  WRITERS Christopher Markus (screenplay) COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English STUDIO Marvel Studios GENRES Action, Science Fiction, Adventure, Superhero Streaming on: Disney+, USA, TNT The plot: The governments of the world want to regulate the activities of superheroes. Captain America and Iron Man have

  Sci-fi September #Something Blue Venom (2018) 112 minutes     Venom's Blue Ribbons:      Chinese American Film Festival (C.A.F.F.) 2019      Winner *  Golden Angel Award      Most Popular U.S. Film in China      Faro Island Film Festival 2019      Winner *  Golden Carp Film Award -International      Favorite Actor -  Tom Hardy      Taurus World Stunt Awards 2019      Winner *  Taurus Stunt Award      Best Work with a Vehicle      Jack Gill (stunt coordinator-2nd unit)      Henry Kingi (stunt driver)      Jalil Jay Lynch (stunt driver-motorcycle and car)      Denney Pierce (stunt driver)      Jimmy N. Roberts (stunt double-Tom Hardy motorcycle)           Houston Film Critics Society Awards 2019      Nominee *  HFCS Award      Worst Picture Director: Ruben Fleischer Writers: Jeff Pinkner (screenplay by), Scott Rosenberg (screenplay by) Stars: Tom Hardy, Michelle Williams, Riz Ahmed Streaming on: Starz Keywords: anti hero, marvel comics, superhero The plot: A failed reporter a

  Sci-fi September #Something Borrowed (h/t Amanda Andrews on Facebook) Bicentennial Man (1999) 131 minutes Director: Chris Columbus Writer: Isaac Asimov(short story "The Bicentennial Man"),  Robert Silverberg (novel),  Nicholas Kazan (screenplay) Stars: Robin Williams, Embeth Davidtz, Sam Neill Streaming on: HBO Keywords: 23rd century, android, based on short story The plot: The "life" and times of Andrew the android, a robot purchased and programmed to perform menial household tasks. It soon becomes evident that the Martin Family has received much more than they paid for.  Random Observations: Pretty sure this is the first live-action Robin Williams film I've rewatched since his passing (not counting the fantastic 2018 documentary Come Inside My Mind).  A long time ago I was in a books-to-movie club and we read the short story "The Bicentennial Man" prior to watching the Chris Columbus film. I remember liking the movie better after having read the sh

Sci-fi September #something new Lovecraft Country, Season 1, Episode 1 (2020) Sundown 58 minutes Director: Yann Demange Writer: Misha Green (teleplay), Wes Taylor (executive story editor), Shannon Houston (executive story editor) Stars: Jurnee Smollett, Jonathan Majors, Aunjanue Ellis Streaming on: HBO Keywords: Lovecraft, Segregation, Roadtrip The plot: Atticus Freeman, a vet and pulp aficionado travels from the Jim Crow South to his hometown near Chicago in search of his missing father. Random observations: I know two things going into this show: 1) H.P. Lovecraft would be rolling in his grave if he knew about this show. 2) That makes me unquantifiably happy. He was a racist shithead.  The name "Freeman" was often given to slaves after release. This is a topic covered frequently on the amazing PBS show "Finding Your Roots". Speaking of which, Lovecraft Country producer Jordan Peele is on a very insightful episode, so check your local listings. The name Atticus was