Binge Bones

  Aatank (1996) RELEASED July 10, 1996 RUNTIME 113 mins  DIRECTOR Prem Lalwani  WRITER Sachin Bhowmick (story)  STARS Nafisa Ali, Dharmendra, Girish Karnad  COUNTRY India LANGUAGE Hindi STUDIO Bemisal Films Pvt. Ltd.  GENRES Horror, Thriller Streaming on: YouTube The plot: Childhood friends Jesu and Peter live in a coastal village in India where local gangsters ruin the damn ocean by fishing for black pearls. This angers a shark and he decides to partially eat a lot of people. Random observations: The opening credits will get you pumping and then suddenly you are not watching a shark movie for a good 30 minutes. If you decide to watch this on YouTube, keep in mind the English captions may be turned off. You can turn them back on in "settings". These are actually transcripted captions, instead of that weird beta auto caption YouTube likes to befuddle people with. I love how it feels like the cameraman is seeing everything for the first time. Hey, maybe he is...

  Shark Zone (2003) aka Jurassic Shark RELEASED October 14, 2003 RUNTIME 91 mins  DIRECTOR Danny Lerner  WRITERS Danny Lerner, Sam Parish  STARS Dean Cochran, Alan Austin, Brandi Sherwood COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIO Nu Image  GENRES Action, Adventure, Drama, Horror, Thriller Streaming on: Amazon Prime, Sling TV, imdbTV The plot: A man must protect his small coastal town from a large shark but without the benefit of Richard Dreyfuss or Robert Shaw. Random observations: This is the 3rd sequel to the film Shark Attack. I know they don't really growl, but I love it when sharks growl in shark movies. These sharks growl. Hey! Reused surfer attack footage from Shark Attack 2. And you thought we wouldn't notice, you crazy motherfuckers. Remember when those kids did a shot-for-shot remake of Indiana Jones in their back yard? This is sort of like that only with Jaws. But instead of having obsessive fans write the script, it feels like it was writte...

  Swamp Shark (2011) RELEASED June 25, 2011 RUNTIME 85 mins  DIRECTOR Griff Furst  WRITERS Eric Miller (screenplay), Charles Bolon, Jennifer Iwen (screenplay)  STARS Christopher Berry, Wade Boggs, Marcus Lyle Brown COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIO Bullet Films GENRES Horror, Thriller Streaming on: TubiTV T he plot: An animal smuggling deal goes wrong resulting in a huge shark accidentally being let loose in a swamp. Random observations: Movie: "You're gonna need a bigger Band-Aid". Me: Hahahahahahahahahaha *laughcries* Why is this movie so green? Sharkapitation! Swamp Shark provides us with mindless b.s. human relationships as we wait for them all to meet unseemly demises. Peppered with obnoxious swamp rock, we are thrust directly into the world of animal smuggling as represented by the rejected auditioners of Real World: Nameless Bayou Town. 0.1/1 Directing 0.3/1 Cinematography 0.2/1 Visual design 0.3/1 Editing 0.1/1 Plot  0/1 Dialogue 0.3/1 ...

  Blue Demon (2004) RELEASED October 15, 2004 RUNTIME 90 mins DIRECTOR Daniel Grodnik  WRITERS Brett Thompson, Lisa Morton STARS Dedee Pfeiffer, Randall Batinkoff, Danny Woodburn  LANGUAGE English  GENRES Action, Horror, Thriller Streaming on: TubiTV, Vudu, Amazon Prime The plot: Project Blue Demon is the name of a group of scientists' plans to train great white sharks to protect the coastline from intruders. Random observations: The score sounds like a Casio keyboard from 1984 was stuck on "demo mode" whilst a cat rolled around on it.  It's kind of refreshing after a day full of shark movies to see more than one shark at a time, even though the budget wasn't quite meant for it. There are a lot of unnecessary lighting choices in this film. Another overscored mess. So much of this movie takes place inside buildings with no water in sight. It's these scenes in particular which are most painful because this means the movie is either going to try to be 1) funny an...

  SharkMan (2005) RELEASED June 18, 2005 RUNTIME 92 mins  DIRECTOR Michael Oblowitz  WRITER Monty Featherstone (screenplay)  STARS William Forsythe, Hunter Tylo, Jeffrey Combs COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  STUDIOS Nu Image, Active Entertainment, Equity Pictures Medienfonds GmbH & Co. KG II, Harbor Productions  GENRES Action, Horror, Science Fiction Streaming on: TubiTV The plot: Oh God, there are two of these. There's a 2001 TV Movie called Sharkman, which has the same characters and even William Forsythe, but it is a different Sharkman. This is 2005's SharkMan and has Jeffrey Combs. However, the artwork on TubiTV is actually from the 2001 film even though it's the Jeffrey Combs version that plays. Be aware if you are compiling your Sharkman viewing schedule. Anyway, Jeffrey Combs fuses human and shark DNA together and wackiness ensues.  Random observations: I never tire of Jeffrey Combs as a mad scientist. They sure do a lot of unne...

Shark in Venice (2008) RELEASED October 6, 2008 RUNTIME 88 mins  DIRECTOR Danny Lerner  WRITERS Les Weldon (story), Danny Lerner  STARS Stephen Baldwin, Vanessa Johansson, Hilda van der Meulen LANGUAGE English GENRES Horror Streaming on: TubiTV, Popcornflix, imdbTV, YouTube, Sling TV, Amazon Prime The plot: Stephen Baldwin, a professor I guess, is like going all Tom Hanks-y Da Vinci Code style looking for a long-lost Medici treasure in Venice. Except: the mafia! sharks! Also, Scarlett Johansson's sister is the kidnapped girlfriend. Random observations: If I had a time machine, the first thing I would do is go back in time to visit Thomas Edison and show him this movie. The rest will surely work itself out. Stephen Baldwin is like a creepy dude on OKCupid who is like "some of the ladies tell me I look like Alec Baldwin" and you puke a little inside and you're like "Not really tho." Oh hey! We're regurgitating the same shots over and over again. Nobody wil...

  Shark Hunter (2001) Released October 1, 2001 RUNTIME 94 mins  Director: Matt Codd Writers: Phillip J. Roth (story), Sam Wells (screenplay) Stars: Antonio Sabato Jr., Christian Toulali, Grand L. Bush  COUNTRY United States LANGUAGE English  GENRES Action, Adventure, Horror, Science Fiction, Thriller Streaming on: TubiTV, Amazon Prime, imdbTV The plot: Melrose Place's Antonio Sabato Jr. takes an experimental sub to fight an oops-actually-not-extinct Megalodon that killed his parents. Random observations:  Director Matt Codd actually has some pretty strong Art Department credits, and I think that's probably where he is best suited. All of the actors seem to be performing in a different movie.  Putting glasses on an actor does not make their character suddenly seem smarter. "I have a feeling we've bitten off more than we can chew." Yes, yes you have. There's a lot more arguing about Megaladons than actual Megaladon, and it's slow, patient arguing at that...